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Monday, August 20th, 2007
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12:40 am - Nico
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I've been out walking I don't do too much talking These days, these days. These days I seem to think a lot About the things that I forgot to do And all the times I had the chance to.
I've stopped my rambling, I don't do too much gambling These days, these days. These days I seem to think about How all the changes came about my ways And I wonder if I'll see another highway.
I had a lover, I don't think I'll risk another These days, these days. And if I seem to be afraid To live the life that I have made in song It's just that I've been losing so long. La la la la la, la la.
I've stopped my dreaming, I won't do too much scheming These days, these days. These days I sit on corner stones And count the time in quarter tones to ten. Please don't confront me with my failures, I had not forgotten them.
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| Saturday, June 16th, 2007
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12:58 am
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Unhappy is how I would describe myself right now. I feel nothing for anybody. Something has died more than ever before. I have come to feel nothing but the dead feeling of who I am.
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| Thursday, April 5th, 2007
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7:37 am - Thursday morning - coffee is great!
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I got a job at Spiaggia. Snobs all over the place. The rich kids tend to be a bit stupid for the most part. Tips. Free Itialian food which is really fucking sweet! Alone. Don't relate to most. Still sick. Gotta get to work. Drinking tonight with Isabel. Sometimes she's too crazy for me lol I still like her though. Drank last night. Watched Fight Club. The sun is out this morning. The birds are singing sweet melodies. Tired. Gotta catch the train for work.
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| Tuesday, March 6th, 2007
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1:32 pm - What a day......
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| Wednesday, February 28th, 2007
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11:23 am - The Art World In Chicago
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| Saturday, February 24th, 2007
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2:43 pm - Woman receives whole ovary transplant
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Surgeons hope procedure will restore cancer patient's fertility
ST. LOUIS - When Joy Lagos learned she had cancer, she had enough hope to believe she would beat it.
What brought the San Francisco resident to tears, however, was knowing that radiation and chemotherapy would lead to early menopause and rob her of the chance to have children.
Last week, that changed.
A renowned infertility expert in suburban St. Louis transplanted a whole ovary from Lagos' sister into Lagos, a step that could enable her to have children. Dr. Sherman Silber completed the whole ovary transplant Feb. 5 in Missouri, after performing the same procedure between twins last month.
The surgery could restore normal hormone function for women going through early menopause. It also could mean that one day a woman with cancer could freeze an ovary, undergo chemotherapy and radiation, and have her own ovary returned later to restore her fertility.
When Lagos, now 30, was diagnosed with non-Hodgkins lymphoma in 2004, her older sister Maeapple Chaney, now 31, donated bone marrow. Lagos was cured of cancer, but the treatment disabled her ovaries and she went into early menopause.
"I was devastated," Lagos recalled, her voice still breaking as she tried to talk about it Monday. Now married, Lagos wasn't with a partner at the time, so wasn't able to freeze any embryos, she said.
"I think it sounds selfish, but I just wanted to feel like a woman again," she said.
Yes, she wanted to have children of her own, but the menopause also induced osteoporosis, ended her monthly cycle, diminished her sex drive, and interfered with the natural "ebb and flow" of her emotions, she said.
Surgery on twins Chaney was willing to donate eggs so Lagos and her new husband, Rodrigo Lagos, could have a baby through in vitro fertilization, but then Rodrigo Lagos saw a television report about Silber.
In 2004, Silber placed strips of ovarian tissue from a fertile twin into her prematurely menopausal sister. That woman, Stephanie Yarber, now has two children following the surgery. He has since done similar surgeries on six other sets of twins.
All of the twins who have had the ovarian tissue transplants are ovulating and menstruating normally, Silber said. But the women may get only a few years of ovarian function using the strips of tissue, he said.
Silber, who directs the Infertility Center of St. Louis at St. Luke's Hospital in Chesterfield, Mo., hopes that a whole ovary with its own blood supply will last decades.
Last week, Silber removed one of Chaney's ovaries and gave it to Lagos, a form of microsurgery that requires sewing the tiny ovarian artery of the donor to the ovarian artery of the recipient.
"It's maybe the size of a tiny piece of white thread you might use to sew on a button," Silber said of the vessel.
Dr. Pasquale Patrizio, director of the fertility center at Yale University, said he's paying attention to Silber's work because he is working on freezing and thawing ovaries to help cancer patients preserve their fertility. "It'll tell us in the field if the entire organ can be successfully retransplanted," Patrizio said.
Close match required Surgeons at China's Zhejiang Medical Science University reported a successful whole ovary transplant between sisters earlier this decade; however, Silber and Patrizio said they have not seen any published medical literature or peer review related to that case.
Doctors also still have concerns about transplants that would require immune-suppressing drugs because of possible health effects for the mothers and their babies. "If they're not a close match, we're not ready to tackle that yet," Silber said.
Because of the bone marrow transplant and the close match to Chaney, Lagos is able to tolerate her sister's tissue and didn't have to use the drugs.
The Lagoses said the surgery cost about $15,000, which is being paid for with the couple's resources and donations. Chaney, who lives on Vandenberg Air Force Base in Lompoc, Calif., said it's possible she could go into menopause a few years earlier than she otherwise would have because of the ovary donation, but doesn't regret the bone marrow and ovary she has given her sister.
"It's a great opportunity, both for my sister and for fertility treatment in general," Chaney said.
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| Tuesday, February 20th, 2007
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4:47 pm - Increase in Egg Donors Raises Concerns
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CHICAGO — Human egg donation was a rarity not so long ago. But heightened demand for eggs — and rising compensation for donors — are prompting more young women to consider it.
Comedian Jennifer Dziura, a former egg donor who is hoping to donate another egg, poses for a photo before going on stage to perform a stand up at Petes Candy Store in Brooklyn, NY, on Monday, Jan. 29, 2007. (AP Photo/Adam Rountree) She received $8,000 to donate her eggs in the fall of 2005 and hopes she'll be chosen again before the private egg broker she's registered with considers her too old. She realizes prospective parents who view her profile might think it a minus that her father is adopted, allowing for little medical history from his side. She also figures some are looking for a blonde, instead of a brunette.
"But, hey, I have perfect SAT scores," Dziura, an aspiring comedian and model, says with a slight chuckle.
As more older moms look for help getting pregnant, younger women have become increasingly willing to part with their eggs. Some do it to help relatives and friends, or from a sense of altruism, but others openly acknowledge money is a big factor in their decision, prompting critics to worry that they're helping drive an unregulated market for human tissue.
In 1996, women in federally monitored programs donated eggs just over 3,800 times. That number has risen steadily, to more than 10,000 in 2004, the most recent year for which the Centers for Disease Control has compiled data.
A decade ago, Dr. Joel Brasch, a fertility specialist in the Chicago area, had to work hard to recruit five or 10 young women for his own practice's donor pool — but not anymore.
The money is seen as compensation for time and trouble. Among other things, donors learn to inject themselves with hormones and, eventually, have a needle inserted through their vaginal wall so eggs can be harvested.
"Everyone does it for the money," says Dziura, the egg donor in New York. "No one would do that for free — maybe for your sister, but not for a stranger."
The American Society of Reproductive Medicine, or ASRM, has set a compensation guideline of $5,000, with a limit of $10,000 for special cases — if, for instance, a recipient wants eggs of rare ancestry.
The president of the Society for Assisted Reproductive Technology, an affiliate of ASRM, argues that if women were just motivated by money, they wouldn't get past the psychological screening to become a donor. And, he says, researchers who've surveyed donors have found another strong motive.
"They're very altruistic and very willing to help a couple who's trying to conceive," says Dr. David Grainger, who's also a reproductive endocrinologist at University of Kansas medical school in Wichita.
Still, some egg brokers — particularly those in the East and West — are ignoring suggestions for a cap on compensation, and paying women more.
"Egg Donors Wanted" ads are common on the Internet, in college newspapers and on city trains. And with no federal laws limiting donor fees — and fertility doctors conceding the difficulties of policing their own industry — one ethicist says that eggs have quickly become "commoditized."
"It does feel a little more like the Wild West than it ought to," says Dr. Jeffrey Kahn, director of the University of Minnesota Center for Bioethics. And he only sees the problem growing as states such as California move closer to funding major stem-cell research, requiring more donor eggs.
"We worry that we offer people so much money that they are blind to the risk and their motivation is strictly the money," Kahn says.
That's the very reason, he notes, that it is illegal to sell an organ, such as a kidney, for donation. "So I'm not comfortable saying we should start that with human eggs," he says.
A small survey from an Illinois clinic, included at a recent ASRM meeting, found that donors used compensation for everything from savings and down-payments on property to school expenses and car payments. Half of them also used some of the money to pay credit card debt and other loans.
Kristin McKenna, a 25-year-old project manager at a marketing company in suburban Atlanta, donated eggs to help build her savings.
"It does feel weird to know there's a child out there," says McKenna, who's signed up to donate again. "But I'm just a small piece of the puzzle.
"If those two people (who got her eggs) weren't there wanting a child, that child would not exist."
Dr. Lorna Marshall, a fertility specialist in Seattle, says egg recipients often ask to write letters of gratitude to their donors, who remain anonymous in most cases.
But when it comes to money, she asks them to steer clear of donors who get more than $5,000, no matter the circumstances.
Occasionally, Marshall also has had to reject eggs from donors who've been OK'd by a private egg broker, but are younger than 21, the minimum age recommended by the ASRM. The thought is that, by that age, a young woman is old enough to better understand the choice she's making.
But Grainger and some others in the field concede that even the most careful guidelines can't absolutely prevent regrets later in life. That was the case for one young woman who initially told herself she was donating to help prospective parents.
"But if I'm honest, I did it for financial reasons; I wanted to travel," says the 31-year-old woman who lives in New York and works for an international nonprofit. She asked to remain anonymous since her family doesn't know she donated eggs three times.
"It would be a relief to know that my eggs were being used to find medical cures," she says, "rather than being used to produce additional kids for well-to-do American families."
-By MARTHA IRVINE AP National Writer
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| Friday, October 20th, 2006
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10:12 pm - Good Woman
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I want to be a good woman And I want, for you to be a good man. This is why I will be leaving And this is why, I can’t see you no more. I will miss your heart so tender And I will love This love forever
I don’t want be a bad woman And I can’t stand to see you be a bad man I will miss your heart so tender And I will love This love forever And this is why I am leaving And this is why I can’t see you no more This is why I am lying when I say That I don’t love you no more
Cause I want to be a good woman And I want for you to be a good man -Cat P
Except I did tell you I loved you still and I should have not done that because I want you to be a good man. I'm going to take it slow but I will not wait for you.........oh well I suppose. We're both growing up and perhaps it's the best thing for both of us to be so apart from eachother right now. Perhaps we're not ready to accually be by eachother as friends or whatever it might be. There's a reason for everything for the better or worse. I like to think about things positive so I will stick to it. I won't give up on you but I will take it slow just because of what we've been through together in the past.....I enjoy every moment when I talk to you because we talk about things that do matter and it's hard for me to talk to people about such things. We have such an emotional attatchment that makes me believe that we can become very good friends.
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| Thursday, October 12th, 2006
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8:35 pm - It Wasn't Me
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It wasn't me, I wasn't there I was just watching from over here And besides, I couldn't afford the bus fare In Hollywood and Washington They shake and smile through the harm they've done But it's your little red wagon and you gotta pull it
It'll take a lifetime to clear your name Under the bridges of fame it's always nighttime It wasn't me, I wasn't there I was stone drunk, it isn't clear And it doesn't count cause I don't care The years transform my memories Of all the countless decades of grief It was cut and run in '91
Put yourselves in a straightjacket But when you're pleading Saying it's no cheaper than humiliation That's free... That's free... That's free...
I've gone and quit my worshipping Of the false gods and golden sins Cause we've made love in the Tower of Babel and it fell down
It wasn't me, I wasn't there That was not my love affair That is not my lover, that's not even my friend It wasn't me, I wasn't there I was stone drunk, it isn't clear And it doesn't count cause I don't care
But I use a pop song to clear my name Under the bridges of fame it's always nighttime I'll end with a closure and say goodnight -Jenny L
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| Friday, August 25th, 2006
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10:29 pm - Bright Eyes
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You should download this song
Waste Of Paint
I have a friend, he is made mostly of pain. And he wakes up, drives to work, and then straight back home again. He once cut one of my nightmares out of paper. I thought it was beautiful, I put it on a record cover. And I tried to tell him he had a sense of color and composition so magnificent. And he said
"Thank you, please but your flattery is truly not becoming me. Your eyes are poor. You're blind. You see, no beauty could have come from me. I'm a waste of breath, of space, of time."
I knew a woman, she was dignified and true. And her love for her man was one of her many virtues. Until one day, she found out that he had lied and she decided the rest of her life from that point on would be a lie. But she was grateful for everything that had happened. And she was anxious for all that would come next. But then she wept. What did you expect? In that big, old house with the cars she kept. "Oh!" and "such is life," she often said. With one day leading her to the next, you get a little closer to your death, which was fine with her. She never got upset and with all the days she may have left, she would never clean another mess or fold his shirts or look her best. She was free to waste away alone.
Last night, my brother he got drunk and drove. And this cop pulled him off to the side of the road. And he said, "Officer! Officer! You got the wrong man. No, no, I'm a student of medicine, the son of a banker, you don't understand!" The cop said, "No one got hurt, you should be thankful. And your carelessness, it is something awful. And no, I can't just let you go. And though your father's name is known, your decisions now are yours alone. You are nothing but a stepping stone on a path to debt, to loss, to shame."
The last few months I have been living with this couple. Yeah, you know, the kind who buy everything in doubles. They fit together, like a puzzle. And I love their love and I am thankful that someone actually receives the prize that was promised by all those fairy tales that drugged us. And they still do me. I'm sick, lonely, no laurel tree, just green envy. Will my number come up eventually? Like Love's some kind of lottery, where you scratch and see what is underneath. It's "Sorry", just one cherry, or "Play Again." Get lucky.
So I've been hanging out down by the train's depot. No, I don't ride. I just sit and watch the people there. They remind me of wind up cars in motion. The way they spin and turn and jockey for positions. And I want to scream out that it is all nonsense. All your lives one track, can't they see it's pointless? But just then, my knees give under me. My head feels weak and suddenly it's clear to see it's not them but me, who has lost my self-identity. As I hide behind these books I read, while scribbling my poetry, like art could save a wretch like me, with some ideal ideology that no one can hope to achieve. And I am never real; it is just a sketch in me. And everything I made is trite and cheap and a waste of paint, of tape, of time.
So now I park my car down by the cathedral, where the floodlights point up at the steeples. Choir practice was filling up with people. I hear the sound escaping as an echo. Sloping off the ceiling at an angle. When the voices blend they sound like angels. I hope there’s some room still in the middle. But when I lift my voice up now to reach them. The range is too high, way up in heaven. So I hold my tongue, forget the song, tie my shoe and start walking off. And try to just keep moving on, with my broken heart and my absent God and I have no faith but it's all I want, to be loved. And believe, in my soul. In my soul. In my soul. In my soul.
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| Sunday, July 9th, 2006
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1:04 am - I love Beth Gibbons
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"Funny time of year"
These silent words of conversation Hold me now this adulation See me now Oh it's easy now
Falling like a silent paper Holding on to what may be
And I only hear Only hear the rain
And many rains turn to rivers Winter's here And there ain't nothing gonna change The winds are blowing telling me all I hear Oh it's a funny time of year There'll be no blossom on the trees
Turning now I see no reason The voice of love so out of season I need you now But you can't see me now I'm travelling with no destination Still hanging on to what may be
It's a funny time of year I can see There'll be no blossom on the trees And time spent cryin' has taken me in this year Oh it's a funny time of year There'll be no blossom on the trees
Falling like a silent paper Holding on to what may be It's a funny time of year
I can see There'll be no blossom on the trees And time spent cryin' has taken me in this year
It's a funny time of year I can see no blossom no blossom on the trees
Falling like a silent paper Holding on to what may be It's a funny time of year
I can see There'll be no blossom on the trees And time spent cryin' has taken me in this year
It's a funny time of year I can see no blossom no blossom on the trees
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| Thursday, June 29th, 2006
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1:03 am - Emotions
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I'm staying away from relationships. I get too emotionally attached and yet drive myself crazy because of it. For the first time in my life I've done something HUGe to the point of realizing all of my faults. Perhaps Chicago is making my thoughts and my heart change into something that will benefit me..well I do believe that. I do miss my old relationship even if it did last for a short time. Something in him made me feel so complete in ways I cannot even describe. And I can't even believe it sometimes. Perhaps because I haven't been single in a long time..I believe that is the cause of all of this. I guess that's why I'm staying away from men and women....I'm too young to be thinking so heavily on relationships to begin with. When I look back on the relationships that I have had-I've been acting really really childish and it pinches a nerve that makes me hurt and also mad. I want to change that-I want to be a true woman not some stupid little girl who can't grow up.
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| Friday, May 12th, 2006
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1:43 am - triste
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My heart drowns into the single thought of what could have been. And yet I'm holding onto myself not letting myself have an emotional break drown. That's been my problems for years-the emotional heart that I have. Perhaps by moving I will over come this and become a better person.
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| Sunday, April 16th, 2006
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7:16 pm - hahaha
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| Friday, March 10th, 2006
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2:52 pm - Long time.....
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Life gets better and better for me. It seems that happiness is always nocking on my front door with arms wide open:) I hope everyone is doing good. Going back to school during the summer. Going to go to chicago the first weekend of april. I'm very excited about that. Gonna visit my brother and sister. I would write more my friends because there is alot to tell. But I have to help out my roomate. I'll be in touch.
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| Friday, June 3rd, 2005
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6:40 pm - The Blower's Daughter
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And so it is Just like you said it would be Life goes easy on me Most of the time And so it is The shorter story No love, no glory No hero in her skies
I can't take my eyes off of you I can't take my eyes off you I can't take my eyes off of you I can't take my eyes off you I can't take my eyes off you I can't take my eyes...
And so it is Just like you said it should be We'll both forget the breeze Most of the time And so it is The colder water The blower's daughter The pupil in denial
I can't take my eyes off of you I can't take my eyes off you I can't take my eyes off of you I can't take my eyes off you I can't take my eyes off you I can't take my eyes...
Did I say that I loathe you? Did I say that I want to Leave it all behind?
I can't take my mind off of you I can't take my mind off you I can't take my mind off of you I can't take my mind off you I can't take my mind off you I can't take my mind... My mind... my mind... 'Til I find somebody new
current music: Damien Rice
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| Monday, May 16th, 2005
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1:17 pm - A Grey heart and an ugly face for everyone to look at with a ruined soul
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I sit in a corner filled with nothing but pain. I'm depressed and I don't know what to do about it. It doesn't matter anymore. All I need to do right now is isolate myself. I can't do this anymore. My eating habits are getting a little bit better, but still sometimes I black out. I think being alone will help me get over him. I hate feeling abandoned and screwed over when I never deserved it to begin with. I can't even be around people. I get quiet and just depressed. As if I don't belong anywhere...as if I never have....Things will turn around, but in the meantime isolation just seems better than dealing with the sick feeling of people. My trust for anybody right now is down the shitter. I know that in life people are gonna crew you over and shit...so I guess this is a lesson hu!? But I wish Alex wasn't the guy who did that to me because I love him more than anyone will ever know. But whatever it's life. I'll probably won't write anymore after this. I bought a journal to write in..So I'm gonna start doing that instead of doing this. That way no one will be able to read it. It's pretty damn pathetic to write about a guy all the fucking time...so I'm just gonna do it without anyone knowing. I hope things get better. I'm longing for that day to come....
*Portishead*
"Seven Months"
How can I forget you Disregard how I feel Silently listen To the words I can't see
For as long as I have tried And as low as I can be I will never resign myself From the trial I seek
Why should I forgive you After all that I've seen Quietly whisper When my heart wants to scream
For as long as I have tried And as low as I can be I will never resign myself From the trial I seek
There's no time to rest Or to reconsider For this cruel unsaid, won't concede
For as long as I have tried And as low as I can be I will never resign myself From the trial I seek
"Elysium"
No one has said what the truth should be And no one decided that I'd feel this way If you felt as I Would you betray yourself
But, you can't deny how I feel And you can't decide for me
No one should fear what they cannot see And no ones to blame it's just hypocrisy It's written in your eyes And how I despise myself
But, you can't deny how I feel And you can't decide for me
And it's your heart That's so wrong Mistaken You'll never know Your feathered sacred self
But, you can't deny how I feel And you can't decide for me
And you can't deny how I feel And why should you decide for me
"Western Eyes"
Forgotten throes of anothers life The heart of love is their only light Faithless greeds, consolidating Holding down sweet charity With western eyes and serpents breath We lay our own conscience to rest
But I'm aching at the view Yes I'm breaking at the scenes just like you
They have values of a certain taste The innocent they can hardly wait To crucify, invalidating Turning to dishonesty With western eyes and serpents breath They lay their own conscience to rest But then they lie and then they dare to be Hidden heros candidly
So I'm aching at the view Yes I'm breaking at the scenes just like you
(I feel so cold on hookers and gin...this mess we're in!)
current mood: depressed current music: Portishead
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| Sunday, May 8th, 2005
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8:58 pm - I hope this is what you guys wanted out of all this-And-I am never looking back
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Alex AND Leni FUCK YOU! And don't EVER call me. You two crossed the line and I never thought you two would hurt me so bad like this. This proofs that I am better off without you two in my life and I am going to do just that. I hope your happy because honestly I will never feel sorry for either of you for your silly, stupid mistakes that you guys have made for the past years. You guys are just FUCKING STUPID!!!!!!! GET AWAY FROM ME!
Oh and alex every time you look at her you'll be reminded of me so your just gonna be living the only memories you allowed yourself to keep instead of living those memories with me right now in this present moment. So you did it to yourself. AND YES I AM MAD! I don't fucking mess around your fucking best friend so why did you do it to me!? You knew what would happen because of this. I still love you but that doesn't mean I am going to let you hurt me more than you already have been doing for the past year.
Oh and leni how dare you fucking do this to me. FUCK YOU! Out of you two your the worst person in this mess. FUCK YOUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't ever wanna talk to you again. Yea we work together, but that doesn't mean I'm gonna talk to you. Your a really, really horrible, disgusting friend. I never thought you would back-stab me like this. No wonder no one likes you. Alex deserves a better girl than you! He deserves someone with a true heart 'cause obviously you don't have a good heart. If you did have a good heart you would have never let this happen. At least I know what you are made out of now that way I won't ever let you hurt me like this ever again. You just want people to feel sorry for you well guess what it gets old after a while when you take people's friendship and throw out the window as if they never meant anything to you.
current mood: angry
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| Saturday, April 30th, 2005
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5:40 pm - It's no fun when sickness creeps in out of no where.....
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I've been really sick for the past week. WHEN WILL IT END!!!??...I need more rest. I'm gonna watch Tank Girl with Thomas tonight:) It's leni's favorite movie and it rocks!:) I'm so excited 'cause Thomas hasn't seen it yet. Anyhow, I feel really light headed and just fucking shit..better take a nap. Later.
P.S. I went to little five points with scarlett and I got myself incents(sp?....) which smells really good. It's called Venus Rose...mmmmmm mmmmm! And I also bought an Einstuerzende Neubauten early recordings cd which kicks so much ass.....HEHEHEHE! BLAH BLAH...Gotta have a smoke:)
current mood: sick current music: Einstuerzende Neubauten
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| Wednesday, April 20th, 2005
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1:36 pm - hehehehehehe
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It's funny how things work out for the best. I talked to my counselor and I'm gonna be leaving the first week of August and I'm so excited:) Everything is turning out great in my life.
Happy 420 EVERYONE:)
P.S. I put an end with alex playing with my emotions and I'm happy:)
current mood: relieved current music: The Pixies
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